What A Week! Happy Friday!

 

School was closed on Tuesday due to below zero temperatures and wind chills. This was very handy as I got to spend more time correcting typos and other errors in my book. I went through my manuscript four times this week! It was mentally exhausting, I much prefer drafting the story to looking for mistakes.

My stress level was also eleven on a scale of ten because I had a potential cancer recurrence scare and the appointment I had for Monday was rescheduled to Wednesday. I'm so happy to say I was able to have an ultrasound and nothing is wrong! I could have used a Xanax to get through Tuesday and Wednesday morning. I had some terrible sleep!  

I am almost done reading an ARC of  Donna R. Madden's upcoming release You Are Enough.  The book comes out next week and I'll be doing a blog post on its release day (January 25th). I am also over halfway through reading Between Mischief and Magic.  I'm really enjoying the mysterious world of the book and can't wait to see how it ends.  

Week 3,4 and now 5: Thursday #BCSM Post: Notes on taking Lynparza aka Olaparib

 

My mom gave me this mug when we visited a couple of weeks ago. Being agnostic, it didn't hit me on a spiritual level, but I really enjoy the quote from proverbs. I might like the bible more if we chucked everything outside the beatitudes and proverbs. Oh and the part where Jesus tells rich people they suck! 

Exciting news I'm on my second bottle of this drug!  One bottle (ie one month) down 11 to go. Taking this drug as prevention against a possible recurrence has given me a deeper respect for those who are living with metastatic cancer who take this drug until it stops working. It's not easy and there have been about three days each week where I want to just stop taking it. However, I remind myself of that old saying, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Plus there is no cure for metastatic breast cancer.

Side effectwise, I had too many days of fatigue and nausea and that lead to me not posting for a couple of weeks. This week I am hoping I have turned a corner, the fatigue has been greatly reduced.  The nausea is much less frequent. I tell you what, if I had to pay for this drug out of pocket, boy I don't think I could do it, it's not pleasant to take, it would be hard to justify if the cost was say $100 or more a month. 

Fingers and toes crossed that my tolerance of the drug continues! 

Week 2: Thursday #BCSM Post: Notes on taking Lynparza aka Olaparib

 

Yeah I'm still trying to navigate side effects. I'm starting to wonder if I have anticipatory nausea and if that is even a thing. 

Thursday (361 to go) I struggled with fatigue and then when I tried to take a nap, then I wasn't able to sleep. For dinner we got carryout and I ate too much and didn't feel very good afterward.  

Friday (360 to go) I went for a run and felt good for the run. I made sure to eat small meals/snacks and that helped me feel less queasy.  Overall I felt the best since starting the drug, but then after the second dose at night then I felt more nausea and had real trouble falling asleep. 

Saturday (359 to go) Long run today, 7 miles it was really tough, but it was also really hot so I don't know if it was the medication or the weather. I made sure to practice better-eating habits and drank lots of water. This helps.  I also found a little bottle of peppermint essential oil. I am going to try putting a little on my pillow to help at night. 

Sunday (358 to go)  Day of rest, so no running for me. Hot and humid as can be outside so I spent time in my little pool and took the dog for a walk.  Also went to Aldi to get groceries. I had to push myself to do the grocery shopping since I felt queasy, food didn't appeal to me in the store, which reduced impulse purchases, but that was offset by having the hubs with--he did some impulse shopping! The best time of day was late afternoon/evening. Had trouble falling asleep, which is the opposite of how this drug is supposed to work!

Monday (357 to go) My main focus today is on eating.  I began the day with greek yogurt.  Small meals often are going to be key in me being able to tame the constant queasiness. If I can manage that, then I'll be (knock on wood) golden. 

Tuesday (356 to go) Changing my eating to small meals and snacks is paying off in a big reduction in queasiness. I am finding random foods I usually like have lost appeal, a bummer, but I can handle that. In the late afternoon, I have fatigue. I do not have fatigue at the right time--which would be at bedtime! 

Wednesday (355 to go) The number #1 most common side effect of this drug is diarrhea. For me, this means the number one side effect I will have is the opposite of that, at least I have experience in how to manage that side effect.  

Overall, I feel much better than last week. Thank goodness.  Now to manage the latest side effect, I need to go buy some Benefiber. The Hubs asked if they will be able to do a test to show if the drug is working and I explained to him that there isn't. Monday I have bloodwork to make sure my red and white blood cells are doing well. I don't have much fatigue so I *think* they are in good shape. 

Thursday #BCSM Post: Notes on taking Lynparza

 On Thursdays for the next year (ideally), I will be posting about how things are going for me as I take a drug called Lynparza to reduce my risk of a cancer recurrence. This drug is called a PARP inhibitor here is  very short blog post that give you the gist of what they do.  

Recently a study was done on people like me who have a BRCA 1 or 2 mutation and who had early stage breast cancer that was aggressive and more likely to come back than other breast cancers.  This study found that if people took Lynparza for one year after completing other cancer treatments (surgery, chemo and radiation) they had a lower risk of cancer coming back or a new cancer.  

I read the research and I read articles about the research and in June the American Society of Clinical Oncologists determined that this drug was impactful enough to warrant recommending it for people like me. You see this drug has been around for a while in use for people who have BRCA 1/2 mutation in the Stage IV setting--so it is not new, new. I talked about it with the Hubs and we decided that if I could get it covered by insurance, I would go ahead and take it for the year.  

Then I had my regular appointment with my oncologist and we talked about it. She put in the order for the drug and much to my surprise my insurance is covering it. (surprise because it is new for early stage patients).

Sunday I started taking the drug.  Like I said, I will only be taking it for one year and it is the newest possible way to reduce my risk of recurrence. I thought long and hard about whether or not I wanted to do this. This drug is considered chemo, but it isn't nearly as brutal as IV Chemo.  

Frankly if this drug made my hair fall out, I don't know that I'd be taking it. I take 2 pills in the morning and 2 pills at night. Day one I felt queasy.  Like you would if you were experiencing low grade morning sickness or a little hangover.

Monday Day 2- (364 days to go)  I had trouble sleeping, not a typical side effect.  I felt like I was on the brink of stomach upset all day, but didn't have any stomach problems so that was good. I did my Monday run w/hills. Suprisingly my heart rate was really good during my run.

Tuesday Day 3 (363 days to go) Better sleep. I feel like I am at the start or the end of a cold.  A little queasy, a little tired, about 20% off my game.  Drank coffee and didn't eat too close to taking morning pill and almost wound up w/serious nausea.

Wednesday Day 4 (362 days to go) Slept more than usual. I can tell I have fatigue from the drug, I have to make the effort to stay active or I can feel it will creep up. I am glad this is only for one year and I hope it ensures I don't have to ever take a cancer drug again. 

*****

After next week I will have bloodwork.  I need to make sure to get lots of protein.   

I'm Anti Invasive Anything! Gardening and Post Cancer Treatment Life #PTSD #BCSM

 

Today I was in my garden, which is tiny but the plants are thriving; so much so that my cucumber plant is now encroaching on my flowering red bell pepper plant. This morning I was checking the garden plants for nefarious invaders and I found cabbage worms! Picture me looking at my cauliflower plant above, seeing all the holes, and frowning. Then I look closely at the leaves and bam!  A green worm!  On my leaf! First of all, this is why I don’t plant cruciferous vegetables, and second of all, how dare invasive disease attack my garden! 

Cue my outsized stress reaction to the garden pests. Yes, cancer trauma here we go again. First I put on some gloves, then I went inside and got a plastic knife,  and then I eradicated the worms. I serial-killed five of them, and I think there were either eggs or poop down on the budding leaves so I scrapped that off the plant. I’m glad I only have one plant. I don’t know that I will be planting cauliflower in the future, I don’t like murdering bugs almost as much as I don’t like, cue my waving my hands around, another reason to have some PTSD. 

After I killed the worms I found, I did a google search to find out if there was anything I could do to not have cabbage worms. First I learned that it’s supposed to be too early in the season for the worms and second I learned that if I put down diatomaceous earth that might help. 

Tricky how trauma can creep up on a person. Imagine what it will be like for people of this earth over the next decade given all the trauma the pandemic inflicted.  We are going to see so many different ways people try and cope--and plenty of that will be bad. It's a fine time as any to try to be kind because you don't know what people are dealing with when you run into them. 

Last thought for this post, later this afternoon, after I had reflected on invasive disease in my garden is just too on the nose a metaphor for the stress of cancer treatment,

I decided if I find more worms I'm going to scoop them up and then put them out for the plentiful birds in my backyard to eat!

How the Garden Started...

How the garden is going... just three weeks later! Looking great except for invasive pests! 

On MBSR, Sometimes You've Just Gotta *Choose* to be Happy

 This is a series of posts about post-cancer treatment life.  I post them on Thursdays, and this is post #4. 

Guess when my resting heart rate was 73 bpm? Yes, exactly, it was the day between when I had the CT scan and when I got my results. The stress of a medical test physically affects me.  I wonder how much higher my heart rate would have been if I hadn't started using yoga and MBSR to try and keep it under control. 

One of the most insidious things about having had cancer is how your mind can always find a reason to worry, a reason to look gift horses in the mouth, a reason to go looking for trouble.  This time around I thought I'd done an excellent job of mitigating most of the anxiety. On a scale of 1-10, I was at a 6 even during the time between when the test was complete and when I got the results.  This was a huge improvement over past tests where I would be at an 8 for a couple weeks before the test and then at a 9 on the day the results might show up. 

Looking back at early April, maybe I made a mistake with my mitigation strategies because one of the stories I told myself was that once the scan was done and I got the results that I would enjoy a wonderful worry-free spring and summer.  So I should have been over-the-moon happy when I got my results because my body was completely unremarkable! That is exactly what you want to see in a radiologist's report.  I  did have a very nice weekend, and then (cue foreboding music)  I had my regularly scheduled appointment with my Medical Oncologist. I go every three months and each time they take blood and run tests (CBC, CMP, and CA-27-29 this last one is a tumor marker test). 

While waiting for the results of the blood work, my brain completely forgot that I just had a completely clean scan of everything from my neck to my thighs, and I got stuck in the most draining anxiety spiral, based on nothing!  Then as my bloodwork came in, I poured over it, got worried about numbers that were normal but not the same as last time, googled terms and conditions.  In case you don't know this already if you google anything medical related one of the top three answers is always:

YOU HAVE CANCER.

I tried to use mindfulness, yoga, running, journaling, but it was like I was experiencing a rebound headache, only it was rebound anxiety, and all the anxiety I thought I'd avoided decided to show up.  I know it's not logical.  I had a scan, the scan was all good, then I had bloodwork and it was normal--and yet... and yet. 

I wasted a few days in a pit of pointless worry, and then finally was able to talk reasonably to myself. I said, any way you look at it, life is short.  Do you want to waste more time worrying for nothing? You wanted a clear scan, you got it. Then you wanted to make sure your bloodwork was good, and it came back fine. Then you wanted to see the tumor marker test result, and that was a little lower than last time, so that's great. But here you are, still worried.  You need to just choose to be happy, or not.

Each day I get to choose to be happy!  How great is that!  

On Mindfulness- Based Stress Reduction, Dumb Things My Brain Tells Me

 The entire reason I took the online Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction class in March was that I’ve known since January  I would need to have a surveillance CT scan before April 6th. The MBSR class was another tool I was pretty desperate to add to my mental health toolbox.   And as I have writing about previously, these measures have actually been helpful, which is fantastic because CBD oil and THC doesn’t work for me—a bummer since here in Illinois pot is legal and I would definitely get some cannabis gummies if they would reduce my anxiety. 

There are four days until the scan and currently, I rate my scanxiety as a 5 on a scale of 1-10. The kicker is that it’s not the actual scan that completely melts my brain, it's the time between when the scan is done and when I hear the results. Ack, just typing that sentence moves me up to a 6 of 10.  

The scanxiety will really ramp up on the night before the scan and the day of the scan, then once the scan is over it will drop. The worse time will be during business hours after the scan. At any moment my phone might show the doctor’s number as an incoming call and I won’t be able to hardly breath. Fun fact, since I won that Fitbit from the library, this time I will be able to see exactly how much my blood pressure spikes before the scan and when I get the results. 

As I was writing this post, I found my brain created a new trick to slip past some of my new coping mechanisms. Now my brain is telling me, I should be worried about the scan, because maybe worrying about it is what will make me have good results. In other words, I need to mentally suffer in order to earn a clean scan. How bonkers is that! I mean, top-notch terrible rationalizations there from my brain. So I am noticing this thought and I am allowing it to float on by as I remind myself:

Thoughts are not facts. Say it again: Thoughts are not facts.

On Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, I Didn't Used To Be Like This!

Post #2 in My Series of posts sharing me navigating the minefield of my own mind post-cancer treatment. 

Tree beginning to flower on a recent walk. 

 As I work on practicing Mindfulness and living life post-cancer treatment, I am slowly realizing a few things. For example, I’ve been operating from the idea that my medical anxiety and fears started when I was diagnosed with cancer, but now that I have distance from those early days I look back and realize that’s not quite true. When I got ‘the call’ it was more of a ‘crap I knew it!’ moment than a surprise. 

At first, when I was still a cancer newbie, I thought it wouldn’t be that bad. Maybe I wouldn’t even need chemo and I was sure I’d be fine. I wasn’t worried that it could kill me. I wasn’t worried when I had my surgery, and I wasn’t even worried when I found out I had the BRCA-2 gene. I still had great confidence that I would be cured, even finding out I’d need chemo, didn’t rock me. 

What destroyed my confidence in my body was the bone scan. I didn’t think they would find anything, just another test to hurdle over, no big deal—my biggest problem was I’d be starting chemo soon and that stupid stuff was going to make my hair fall out. 

I was in the walkway from the hospital to the parking garage when my Medical Oncologist called me to say that my bone scan results were in and that everything was good BUT there was one tiny spot on my pelvis and she wanted me to get an MRI. That was the moment all confidence drained from my body. It has not yet returned—even though once I had the MRI the tiny spot was ruled to be a bony island. If you are going to have a bony something an island is what you want to have. 

It’s funny how something so small and something that turned out not to be anything ‘bad’ completely destroyed the confidence I had in my body for decades. It’s also wild that having come to the realization of how much that phone call rocked my world—so not in a good way—knowing the genesis of my fear is helping me to worry less. Not having a psychology degree, I do not understand why this has made a difference, but I will definitely accept any reduction in medical anxiety!

On Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, Welcome to The Worry Bar!

 Hi There! 

This is the first in a series of posts about anxiety, post-cancer treatment life, and coping skills. I'll be posting them on Thursdays.  Please share or comment below if you like! 

Ivy starting to regrow on one of my top five favorite trees I run past all the time!

Welcome To The Worry Bar! 

During the month of March, I took an MBSR virtual class. MBSR stands for Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. However, when I say it in my head I always read it as Mind Body Stress Reduction. This is also a decent description. During week three of the MBSR class, the instruction focused on Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy and that apparently is my jam. 

One very helpful tip I learned was that thoughts are not facts. This has become my little mantra for all the times when my random thoughts start to get out of hand and illogical worries start circling in my brain. Now instead of getting completely stuck on the road to panic; I say to myself: "Thoughts are not facts." Yes, technically some thoughts are facts, but in the realm of my rambling brain, they are mostly not facts—especially if they relate to worrying. 

MBCT also focuses on reducing aversion. For example, if you have a worrying thought, and you try to shut it down or push it down with ‘be positive! think happy thoughts!” —what happens is you spend more time pushing that thought away than if you would just allow it to be. You don’t have to give it attention, just acknowledge it, allow it to exist in your mind, and then go about your life. It sounds too simple to work, and yet…It seems to work?!? 

Using my imagination I created a bar in my mind. Currently, it's a seedy dive bar. Dark interior, surly patrons, and a limited menu. I named it “The Worry Bar”, I know, not very creative or punny. Maybe later I’ll give it a nice alliterative name when I’m better at  MBSR and MBCT and have some room in my head to breathe and be happier. 

All thoughts are welcome at The Worry Bar. I’m the proprietor and sole bartender. It does have a lovely glossy mahogany bar with well-worn leather stools and then there are four top tables with captain's chairs. Along the left and right sides are empty booths with cracked vinyl seats and Formica tables. Normally there are only a few thoughts hanging out in the dark, dank space of the bar, and oh did I mention,  the jukebox is broken. I am hoping as time goes by I might be able to give it a remodel, put in some new lighting, clean the windows, and have it become more of a gastro-pub or a craft brewery. I want to have lots of fun happy thoughts who are enjoying fried pickles and freshly brewed IPAs. Or if it’s summertime, iced lattes with a nice charcuterie platter and a bottle of perfectly chilled Riesling or a fresh lemon shake-up. That is however too hard for me to contemplate right now. 

Currently, I have Scanxiety (anticipatory anxiety based on an upcoming medical scan) just hanging at the bar nursing a kombucha. She’d like to have a beer, but I’m the owner here and she doesn’t get to pick her drink. She can stay as long as she wants to, but I’m in charge of the menus so it’s kombucha and stale popcorn for her.

 

Tomorrow I am scheduling a CT scan which is routine and is the best current method of surveillance for me. I had a lot of treatment and am doing all I can to make sure my body is as healthy as it can be for decades to come; so I don’t want to potentially undo that work by not having the routine checkups because they stress me out. All that is to say that scanxiety may really start ramping up once I make the appointment tomorrow. That's why I decided to take the MBSR class in the first place, I knew I had to schedule a scan for late March and I wanted to try another non-medicinal tool to manage my fears. 

When I get a handle on my thoughts, The Worry Bar is going to have big soft pretzels and super zesty beer cheese.

#TheSundayPost Love is in the Air? Or is that Football?

 

The Sunday Post is a weekly meme hosted here @ Caffeinated Reviewer. It’s a chance to share news~ A post to recap the past week on your blog and showcase books and things we have received. Share news about what is coming up on our blog for the week ahead.  See rules here: Sunday Post Meme

Will you be watching the football game today?  I'm a commercials person. My husband likes the game. I'm sure he'll be watching and I'll be reading a book!  

Today 2/7/2021 is the one-year anniversary of my last radiation treatment.  I sure do hope I live a nice long rest of my life into my 80s and beyond and never need any sort of cancer treatment again. For what it's worth, radiation is a walk in the park compared to surgery and chemo, but it is still rough.  My skin will never be the same, but the trade-off was hopefully very worth it. 

I plan to spend some time today in the kitchen with the microwave reminiscing about the good old radiation days. Ha!

Coming up on 2/9 a book I reviewed The Rakehell of Roth is being released. If you liked Bridgerton on Netflix, I think you'll like this book even more than that!

So how about you?  Do you have plans for the big game?

One Year Chemoversary! -Don't Call Me A Warrior

I was busy writing holiday cards and baking holiday cookies and neglected to post on the occasion of passing the one year mark of my last chemo treatment. 

December 5th was the last day I got Taxol.  Since then my body has rebuilt itself and hopefully, no random cancer cells are rummaging around. I still have some occasional numbness in my fingers.  I think I am still working on getting to full strength after all treatments. I know my memory is not as great as it was before chemo, I don't think that ever comes back, but I could be wrong. I hope my heart continues to do well and most of all that cancer doesn't return. 

This week I was able to virtually attend an amazing conference, The San Antonio Breast Cancer Symposium.  There are so many doctors and scientists all over the world working to find new safer treatments for all stages of breast cancer.  The best thing to do however is to avoid getting cancer in the first place, so to that end, I say get genetically tested around age 30.  If you carry a known inherited mutation, then you have time to decide if you want to do any preventative surgery or additional monitoring to avoid having cancer in your 40s, 50s, etc.  Once the cancer cat is out of the bag, then you are always at higher risk of it coming back or a new cancer showing up, and don't forget all impacts of side effects from treatments leading to new and not exciting, medical conditions. 

And so ends my PSA.  Here are some cookies--a feast for your eyes!   Now the warrior thing, personally I, and many other cancer people I talk to, aren't fans of the war/battle framing of disease.  We are all just people trying to live our best lives, if we could get in the ring and actually battle cancer and defeat it we would, but that's not how it works. 

I was thinking about better descriptive words for people who had/have cancer and I've come up with an idea for those of us who are out of treatment and hoping it never comes back.  

            * Call me a NEDder.  That's no evidence of disease. This is where I'd like to be for the next four decades! 

I hope you and yours stay cancer-free for all your days because cancer is extremely inconvenient, annoying, and not fun!  If you or anyone you know is looking for support check out:

A website for those with hereditary cancer risk

            

For Breast Cancer People, Caregivers and those who are worried about Breast Cancer

One on One Support from Imerman Angels

The #BCSM hashtag on Twitter