What A Week! Happy Friday!

 

School was closed on Tuesday due to below zero temperatures and wind chills. This was very handy as I got to spend more time correcting typos and other errors in my book. I went through my manuscript four times this week! It was mentally exhausting, I much prefer drafting the story to looking for mistakes.

My stress level was also eleven on a scale of ten because I had a potential cancer recurrence scare and the appointment I had for Monday was rescheduled to Wednesday. I'm so happy to say I was able to have an ultrasound and nothing is wrong! I could have used a Xanax to get through Tuesday and Wednesday morning. I had some terrible sleep!  

I am almost done reading an ARC of  Donna R. Madden's upcoming release You Are Enough.  The book comes out next week and I'll be doing a blog post on its release day (January 25th). I am also over halfway through reading Between Mischief and Magic.  I'm really enjoying the mysterious world of the book and can't wait to see how it ends.  

On Mindfulness- Based Stress Reduction, Dumb Things My Brain Tells Me

 The entire reason I took the online Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction class in March was that I’ve known since January  I would need to have a surveillance CT scan before April 6th. The MBSR class was another tool I was pretty desperate to add to my mental health toolbox.   And as I have writing about previously, these measures have actually been helpful, which is fantastic because CBD oil and THC doesn’t work for me—a bummer since here in Illinois pot is legal and I would definitely get some cannabis gummies if they would reduce my anxiety. 

There are four days until the scan and currently, I rate my scanxiety as a 5 on a scale of 1-10. The kicker is that it’s not the actual scan that completely melts my brain, it's the time between when the scan is done and when I hear the results. Ack, just typing that sentence moves me up to a 6 of 10.  

The scanxiety will really ramp up on the night before the scan and the day of the scan, then once the scan is over it will drop. The worse time will be during business hours after the scan. At any moment my phone might show the doctor’s number as an incoming call and I won’t be able to hardly breath. Fun fact, since I won that Fitbit from the library, this time I will be able to see exactly how much my blood pressure spikes before the scan and when I get the results. 

As I was writing this post, I found my brain created a new trick to slip past some of my new coping mechanisms. Now my brain is telling me, I should be worried about the scan, because maybe worrying about it is what will make me have good results. In other words, I need to mentally suffer in order to earn a clean scan. How bonkers is that! I mean, top-notch terrible rationalizations there from my brain. So I am noticing this thought and I am allowing it to float on by as I remind myself:

Thoughts are not facts. Say it again: Thoughts are not facts.

On Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, I Didn't Used To Be Like This!

Post #2 in My Series of posts sharing me navigating the minefield of my own mind post-cancer treatment. 

Tree beginning to flower on a recent walk. 

 As I work on practicing Mindfulness and living life post-cancer treatment, I am slowly realizing a few things. For example, I’ve been operating from the idea that my medical anxiety and fears started when I was diagnosed with cancer, but now that I have distance from those early days I look back and realize that’s not quite true. When I got ‘the call’ it was more of a ‘crap I knew it!’ moment than a surprise. 

At first, when I was still a cancer newbie, I thought it wouldn’t be that bad. Maybe I wouldn’t even need chemo and I was sure I’d be fine. I wasn’t worried that it could kill me. I wasn’t worried when I had my surgery, and I wasn’t even worried when I found out I had the BRCA-2 gene. I still had great confidence that I would be cured, even finding out I’d need chemo, didn’t rock me. 

What destroyed my confidence in my body was the bone scan. I didn’t think they would find anything, just another test to hurdle over, no big deal—my biggest problem was I’d be starting chemo soon and that stupid stuff was going to make my hair fall out. 

I was in the walkway from the hospital to the parking garage when my Medical Oncologist called me to say that my bone scan results were in and that everything was good BUT there was one tiny spot on my pelvis and she wanted me to get an MRI. That was the moment all confidence drained from my body. It has not yet returned—even though once I had the MRI the tiny spot was ruled to be a bony island. If you are going to have a bony something an island is what you want to have. 

It’s funny how something so small and something that turned out not to be anything ‘bad’ completely destroyed the confidence I had in my body for decades. It’s also wild that having come to the realization of how much that phone call rocked my world—so not in a good way—knowing the genesis of my fear is helping me to worry less. Not having a psychology degree, I do not understand why this has made a difference, but I will definitely accept any reduction in medical anxiety!

On Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, Welcome to The Worry Bar!

 Hi There! 

This is the first in a series of posts about anxiety, post-cancer treatment life, and coping skills. I'll be posting them on Thursdays.  Please share or comment below if you like! 

Ivy starting to regrow on one of my top five favorite trees I run past all the time!

Welcome To The Worry Bar! 

During the month of March, I took an MBSR virtual class. MBSR stands for Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. However, when I say it in my head I always read it as Mind Body Stress Reduction. This is also a decent description. During week three of the MBSR class, the instruction focused on Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy and that apparently is my jam. 

One very helpful tip I learned was that thoughts are not facts. This has become my little mantra for all the times when my random thoughts start to get out of hand and illogical worries start circling in my brain. Now instead of getting completely stuck on the road to panic; I say to myself: "Thoughts are not facts." Yes, technically some thoughts are facts, but in the realm of my rambling brain, they are mostly not facts—especially if they relate to worrying. 

MBCT also focuses on reducing aversion. For example, if you have a worrying thought, and you try to shut it down or push it down with ‘be positive! think happy thoughts!” —what happens is you spend more time pushing that thought away than if you would just allow it to be. You don’t have to give it attention, just acknowledge it, allow it to exist in your mind, and then go about your life. It sounds too simple to work, and yet…It seems to work?!? 

Using my imagination I created a bar in my mind. Currently, it's a seedy dive bar. Dark interior, surly patrons, and a limited menu. I named it “The Worry Bar”, I know, not very creative or punny. Maybe later I’ll give it a nice alliterative name when I’m better at  MBSR and MBCT and have some room in my head to breathe and be happier. 

All thoughts are welcome at The Worry Bar. I’m the proprietor and sole bartender. It does have a lovely glossy mahogany bar with well-worn leather stools and then there are four top tables with captain's chairs. Along the left and right sides are empty booths with cracked vinyl seats and Formica tables. Normally there are only a few thoughts hanging out in the dark, dank space of the bar, and oh did I mention,  the jukebox is broken. I am hoping as time goes by I might be able to give it a remodel, put in some new lighting, clean the windows, and have it become more of a gastro-pub or a craft brewery. I want to have lots of fun happy thoughts who are enjoying fried pickles and freshly brewed IPAs. Or if it’s summertime, iced lattes with a nice charcuterie platter and a bottle of perfectly chilled Riesling or a fresh lemon shake-up. That is however too hard for me to contemplate right now. 

Currently, I have Scanxiety (anticipatory anxiety based on an upcoming medical scan) just hanging at the bar nursing a kombucha. She’d like to have a beer, but I’m the owner here and she doesn’t get to pick her drink. She can stay as long as she wants to, but I’m in charge of the menus so it’s kombucha and stale popcorn for her.

 

Tomorrow I am scheduling a CT scan which is routine and is the best current method of surveillance for me. I had a lot of treatment and am doing all I can to make sure my body is as healthy as it can be for decades to come; so I don’t want to potentially undo that work by not having the routine checkups because they stress me out. All that is to say that scanxiety may really start ramping up once I make the appointment tomorrow. That's why I decided to take the MBSR class in the first place, I knew I had to schedule a scan for late March and I wanted to try another non-medicinal tool to manage my fears. 

When I get a handle on my thoughts, The Worry Bar is going to have big soft pretzels and super zesty beer cheese.

One Year Chemoversary! -Don't Call Me A Warrior

I was busy writing holiday cards and baking holiday cookies and neglected to post on the occasion of passing the one year mark of my last chemo treatment. 

December 5th was the last day I got Taxol.  Since then my body has rebuilt itself and hopefully, no random cancer cells are rummaging around. I still have some occasional numbness in my fingers.  I think I am still working on getting to full strength after all treatments. I know my memory is not as great as it was before chemo, I don't think that ever comes back, but I could be wrong. I hope my heart continues to do well and most of all that cancer doesn't return. 

This week I was able to virtually attend an amazing conference, The San Antonio Breast Cancer Symposium.  There are so many doctors and scientists all over the world working to find new safer treatments for all stages of breast cancer.  The best thing to do however is to avoid getting cancer in the first place, so to that end, I say get genetically tested around age 30.  If you carry a known inherited mutation, then you have time to decide if you want to do any preventative surgery or additional monitoring to avoid having cancer in your 40s, 50s, etc.  Once the cancer cat is out of the bag, then you are always at higher risk of it coming back or a new cancer showing up, and don't forget all impacts of side effects from treatments leading to new and not exciting, medical conditions. 

And so ends my PSA.  Here are some cookies--a feast for your eyes!   Now the warrior thing, personally I, and many other cancer people I talk to, aren't fans of the war/battle framing of disease.  We are all just people trying to live our best lives, if we could get in the ring and actually battle cancer and defeat it we would, but that's not how it works. 

I was thinking about better descriptive words for people who had/have cancer and I've come up with an idea for those of us who are out of treatment and hoping it never comes back.  

            * Call me a NEDder.  That's no evidence of disease. This is where I'd like to be for the next four decades! 

I hope you and yours stay cancer-free for all your days because cancer is extremely inconvenient, annoying, and not fun!  If you or anyone you know is looking for support check out:

A website for those with hereditary cancer risk

            

For Breast Cancer People, Caregivers and those who are worried about Breast Cancer

One on One Support from Imerman Angels

The #BCSM hashtag on Twitter

They Don't Tell You Having Cancer Never Ends

Since I finished active treatment six months ago, I have had three follow-up scans. This is what I mean when I say cancer never ends.  The first scan I had was to follow up on all the treatments; and was used to compare the new post-treatment me, to the scans I had before treatment.  Then the next scan (a PET scan) was to get more info on a couple changes found in the CT scan and then the most recent scan was to see if anything changed from the PET scan.

First and foremost, nothing changed!!! Nothing is more wonderful than hearing your scan was unremarkable! That means the initial couple of weird things found in scan 1 and seen on the PET scan were due to changes from radiation. I hear that many people have cancer treatment and go merrily on their way, no follow up scans necessary.  I, however, get extra close treatment because I'm BRCA-2. 

On the one hand, I'm grateful to have close follow up in that if anything showed up, then it would be smaller and able to be treated faster.  On the other hand, scans cause major anxiety for many cancer peeps, like me.  It's a very stressful time that brings back all the worries of when you first found out you had cancer and all the worry that this scan is going to say the cancer is back and spreading.  That's what no one tells you, once you have cancer, you can never go back to not having had cancer.  The only way you know that you have "beat" (and I do not like that term) cancer is if you die of another cause. Otherwise you just never know what the future holds for you.

The key is to figure out how to balance having very valid worries and living life.  That's one tough key.  Because of the COVID-19 virus, many people now know more about living with uncertainty.  So welcome to my world, it's a bummer to be here. Let's hope there is a great vaccine for COVID-19 soon and some amazing new treatments in the world of cancer that turn advanced cancer into a treatable disease that doesn't shorten lifespans.

Below is a review of a fun book.  Books are a great escape when life is filled with uncertainty. I like mysteries and romances because I know the killers will be brought to justice and the lovers will get their happily ever afters.  When life is uncertain, stories can give you certainty!

xoxo

The Diva Takes the Cake by Krista Davis

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

The second installment in this series and both Sophie and I made a very silly mistake. My mistake was reading this book while hungry. Oh my goodness Krista Davis is masterful at writing about food preparation. I wanted to eat the book! And it doesn't end there, the book is also full of discussion on how to set a table for festive events.

Sophie's mistake, I'm not going to spoil that for you. Suffice it to say, she overlooks a really obvious clue--but that is understandable, she has a lot going on! I enjoyed the wedding backdrop for this story. I missed June and the Colonel--and Francie! I do not know why Humphrey is the way he is but I hope he finds what he is looking for!

This book just keeps me turning pages. Oh by the way I loved that in the advice columns Krista Davis includes links to actual websites. Too funny. My only complaint is that Sophie doesn't stand up for herself more when she is dealing with Natasha, her mom, or Hannah.

You can read this as a stand-alone, but book 1 "The Diva Runs Out of Thyme" is very enjoyable so add that to your TBR!


View all my reviews

Who's Almost Hit Their Fundraising Goal? This Girl!

Tomorrow I am participating in the Imerman Angels Brunch Run - Virtual 5K!  This is a real bummer because I was looking forward to participating in this in person- Bruch Food! Mimosas! Supporting a great organization!  And I would have met my Angel Mentor Margot IRL!   super sad face emoji. 

However as anyone who has ever had a cancer diagnosis knows, sometimes you just have to roll with the changes.   I've run fewer miles this week and plan to have nice fresh legs for my run tomorrow so I can give the virtual race my all.  I'll be posting on my Instagram account @Victoria7401 if you want to see how it goes.  

Thanks to everyone who has donated to my fundraising! Because of all of you, I am only $90!  Away from my goal!  Please pat yourself on the back if you have already given and have a mimosa on me tomorrow! If you can please share my fundraising on your social media- every share helps!  Link to my page!

Happy Friday!

xoxo

Clear Blue Skies All Day Today 

Today is a Weird Day

Hello! Happy May.  I really enjoy the month of May, it's one of my top 3 favorite months. :-) However, last year the universe decided to play a little trick on me and now this time of year is not just the glorious May flower fest and sunny days of old. 

Yes, you guessed it, on this day, May 6th,  last year  I got one of the crummiest phone calls a person can get- ie your biopsy results have come back and you have cancer. Not what anyone wants to hear, ever.  Another reason I'm glad to have an Imerman Angel (Margot) who I can contact anytime to talk is on a not great anniversary day like today.   Everyone who gets a crummy cancer diagnosis should have someone in their corner they can talk to who gets it--especially now!

May 6, 2019, what a crap day, but I can imagine how much more anxiety-producing it would be if I was being diagnosed now during the COVID-19 pandemic. If you are able to donate any $ toward my marathon run this month you are helping those people out there right now who just found out they have cancer. 

Here is the good news for today!  During May a big foundation is double matching all the funds us runners raise.  So if you are able to donate $20 to me this month,  you are actually making a $60 donation to Imerman Angels. How cool is that!

The sun is shining today and the cancer that I had with me last year is gone.  I get to go for a nice run today, How wonderful to have that going for me!  During the stay at home order I have been out there running, my only issue right now is a persistent blister on my toe that is healing- but also annoying.  

Each day I run because I can. Thank you for giving what you can to help raise money for Imerman Angels!

If you are on Instagram, I post a run picture each day- @Victoria7401

Here is my link if you would like to know more about Imerman Angels or donate to my run! 

Best Day Ever!

This past week was quite long for me.  Tuesday I got to experience a colonoscopy prep. Not because I was having a colonoscopy but because Wednesday I was scheduled for a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy. (BSO)

I have to tell you that colonoscopy prep, which you will all be lucky enough to have one day, was in my opinion worse than a day spent having a Taxol chemo treatment. Yes, you read that right. Worse than a day of chemo!

Wednesday I had my surgery. Talk about a long day.  I almost died of starvation prior to the surgery and then after surgery when I finally had sustenance - Belvita crackers- I was immediately nauseous.  How rude!

On the plus side being very hangry prior to the surgery and pukey after the surgery did help keep my mind off the pathology report.  You see because I have the BRCA 2 gene I'm high risk for some cancers - namely breast and ovarian.  Well, we know how the risk of breast cancer turned out. 

The point of the BSO was to remove my tubes and ovaries tout suite to reduce my risk of ovarian cancer.  Ovarian cancer is sneaky, while you can have tests like a CT scan, an MRI, or an ultrasound- all of which I had in July and August- even when they come back all clear- that does not mean that you don't actually have cancer.  The only way to be sure is to have your fallopian tubes and ovaries taken out and viewed under a microscope. 

I did as much research as a non-scientist could do to try and reassure myself that I was not likely to have ovarian cancer. I even tried to get my Medical Oncologist to tell me it was not likely I'd find out I had another cancer.  However, she wouldn't tell me what I wanted to hear. Booo. She did tell me that if they found cancer I'd have to have more chemo. Good times!  I was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, not that!!!!!

As you can imagine, I spend a good deal of my mental energy on keeping my spirits up.  The thought of another cancer and more chemo was very, very stressful.  I couldn't wait to get the surgery over and I hope that maybe my GYN could give Tom some reassurance that everything looked good.

However, all I got was that one ovary looked fabulous and the other looked a little funky and that pathology results would be back by Monday. Ugh ugh ugh.

Thursday was spent by me sleeping and stressing. I have an app on my phone for my medical stuff and I kid you not, every 15 minutes I was on there looking to see if new test results were up.  I did this even though I know they don't automatically post pathology reports.  Those results were only coming to me from a phone call. 

I'm stressing out just writing about my waiting game. On Friday morning my phone rang and it was the hospital, I jumped on that call with high hopes, and it was just nurse follow up. Which is great, don't get me wrong, I appreciate that they were checking in on me. I hung up that call and tried to bury myself in something good on Netflix, but I could not concentrate and kept checking my phone and trying to figure out if I could find anything from Dr. Google.

Finally and also earlier than Monday I got the call. 12:23pm on 2/21.  The doctor herself called. She had THE BEST news for me!  The pathology was all clear.  I was so happy, she was so happy.

Best Day Ever!