On MBSR, Sometimes You've Just Gotta *Choose* to be Happy

 This is a series of posts about post-cancer treatment life.  I post them on Thursdays, and this is post #4. 

Guess when my resting heart rate was 73 bpm? Yes, exactly, it was the day between when I had the CT scan and when I got my results. The stress of a medical test physically affects me.  I wonder how much higher my heart rate would have been if I hadn't started using yoga and MBSR to try and keep it under control. 

One of the most insidious things about having had cancer is how your mind can always find a reason to worry, a reason to look gift horses in the mouth, a reason to go looking for trouble.  This time around I thought I'd done an excellent job of mitigating most of the anxiety. On a scale of 1-10, I was at a 6 even during the time between when the test was complete and when I got the results.  This was a huge improvement over past tests where I would be at an 8 for a couple weeks before the test and then at a 9 on the day the results might show up. 

Looking back at early April, maybe I made a mistake with my mitigation strategies because one of the stories I told myself was that once the scan was done and I got the results that I would enjoy a wonderful worry-free spring and summer.  So I should have been over-the-moon happy when I got my results because my body was completely unremarkable! That is exactly what you want to see in a radiologist's report.  I  did have a very nice weekend, and then (cue foreboding music)  I had my regularly scheduled appointment with my Medical Oncologist. I go every three months and each time they take blood and run tests (CBC, CMP, and CA-27-29 this last one is a tumor marker test). 

While waiting for the results of the blood work, my brain completely forgot that I just had a completely clean scan of everything from my neck to my thighs, and I got stuck in the most draining anxiety spiral, based on nothing!  Then as my bloodwork came in, I poured over it, got worried about numbers that were normal but not the same as last time, googled terms and conditions.  In case you don't know this already if you google anything medical related one of the top three answers is always:

YOU HAVE CANCER.

I tried to use mindfulness, yoga, running, journaling, but it was like I was experiencing a rebound headache, only it was rebound anxiety, and all the anxiety I thought I'd avoided decided to show up.  I know it's not logical.  I had a scan, the scan was all good, then I had bloodwork and it was normal--and yet... and yet. 

I wasted a few days in a pit of pointless worry, and then finally was able to talk reasonably to myself. I said, any way you look at it, life is short.  Do you want to waste more time worrying for nothing? You wanted a clear scan, you got it. Then you wanted to make sure your bloodwork was good, and it came back fine. Then you wanted to see the tumor marker test result, and that was a little lower than last time, so that's great. But here you are, still worried.  You need to just choose to be happy, or not.

Each day I get to choose to be happy!  How great is that!  

On Mindfulness- Based Stress Reduction, Dumb Things My Brain Tells Me

 The entire reason I took the online Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction class in March was that I’ve known since January  I would need to have a surveillance CT scan before April 6th. The MBSR class was another tool I was pretty desperate to add to my mental health toolbox.   And as I have writing about previously, these measures have actually been helpful, which is fantastic because CBD oil and THC doesn’t work for me—a bummer since here in Illinois pot is legal and I would definitely get some cannabis gummies if they would reduce my anxiety. 

There are four days until the scan and currently, I rate my scanxiety as a 5 on a scale of 1-10. The kicker is that it’s not the actual scan that completely melts my brain, it's the time between when the scan is done and when I hear the results. Ack, just typing that sentence moves me up to a 6 of 10.  

The scanxiety will really ramp up on the night before the scan and the day of the scan, then once the scan is over it will drop. The worse time will be during business hours after the scan. At any moment my phone might show the doctor’s number as an incoming call and I won’t be able to hardly breath. Fun fact, since I won that Fitbit from the library, this time I will be able to see exactly how much my blood pressure spikes before the scan and when I get the results. 

As I was writing this post, I found my brain created a new trick to slip past some of my new coping mechanisms. Now my brain is telling me, I should be worried about the scan, because maybe worrying about it is what will make me have good results. In other words, I need to mentally suffer in order to earn a clean scan. How bonkers is that! I mean, top-notch terrible rationalizations there from my brain. So I am noticing this thought and I am allowing it to float on by as I remind myself:

Thoughts are not facts. Say it again: Thoughts are not facts.

On Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, I Didn't Used To Be Like This!

Post #2 in My Series of posts sharing me navigating the minefield of my own mind post-cancer treatment. 

Tree beginning to flower on a recent walk. 

 As I work on practicing Mindfulness and living life post-cancer treatment, I am slowly realizing a few things. For example, I’ve been operating from the idea that my medical anxiety and fears started when I was diagnosed with cancer, but now that I have distance from those early days I look back and realize that’s not quite true. When I got ‘the call’ it was more of a ‘crap I knew it!’ moment than a surprise. 

At first, when I was still a cancer newbie, I thought it wouldn’t be that bad. Maybe I wouldn’t even need chemo and I was sure I’d be fine. I wasn’t worried that it could kill me. I wasn’t worried when I had my surgery, and I wasn’t even worried when I found out I had the BRCA-2 gene. I still had great confidence that I would be cured, even finding out I’d need chemo, didn’t rock me. 

What destroyed my confidence in my body was the bone scan. I didn’t think they would find anything, just another test to hurdle over, no big deal—my biggest problem was I’d be starting chemo soon and that stupid stuff was going to make my hair fall out. 

I was in the walkway from the hospital to the parking garage when my Medical Oncologist called me to say that my bone scan results were in and that everything was good BUT there was one tiny spot on my pelvis and she wanted me to get an MRI. That was the moment all confidence drained from my body. It has not yet returned—even though once I had the MRI the tiny spot was ruled to be a bony island. If you are going to have a bony something an island is what you want to have. 

It’s funny how something so small and something that turned out not to be anything ‘bad’ completely destroyed the confidence I had in my body for decades. It’s also wild that having come to the realization of how much that phone call rocked my world—so not in a good way—knowing the genesis of my fear is helping me to worry less. Not having a psychology degree, I do not understand why this has made a difference, but I will definitely accept any reduction in medical anxiety!

On Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, Welcome to The Worry Bar!

 Hi There! 

This is the first in a series of posts about anxiety, post-cancer treatment life, and coping skills. I'll be posting them on Thursdays.  Please share or comment below if you like! 

Ivy starting to regrow on one of my top five favorite trees I run past all the time!

Welcome To The Worry Bar! 

During the month of March, I took an MBSR virtual class. MBSR stands for Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. However, when I say it in my head I always read it as Mind Body Stress Reduction. This is also a decent description. During week three of the MBSR class, the instruction focused on Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy and that apparently is my jam. 

One very helpful tip I learned was that thoughts are not facts. This has become my little mantra for all the times when my random thoughts start to get out of hand and illogical worries start circling in my brain. Now instead of getting completely stuck on the road to panic; I say to myself: "Thoughts are not facts." Yes, technically some thoughts are facts, but in the realm of my rambling brain, they are mostly not facts—especially if they relate to worrying. 

MBCT also focuses on reducing aversion. For example, if you have a worrying thought, and you try to shut it down or push it down with ‘be positive! think happy thoughts!” —what happens is you spend more time pushing that thought away than if you would just allow it to be. You don’t have to give it attention, just acknowledge it, allow it to exist in your mind, and then go about your life. It sounds too simple to work, and yet…It seems to work?!? 

Using my imagination I created a bar in my mind. Currently, it's a seedy dive bar. Dark interior, surly patrons, and a limited menu. I named it “The Worry Bar”, I know, not very creative or punny. Maybe later I’ll give it a nice alliterative name when I’m better at  MBSR and MBCT and have some room in my head to breathe and be happier. 

All thoughts are welcome at The Worry Bar. I’m the proprietor and sole bartender. It does have a lovely glossy mahogany bar with well-worn leather stools and then there are four top tables with captain's chairs. Along the left and right sides are empty booths with cracked vinyl seats and Formica tables. Normally there are only a few thoughts hanging out in the dark, dank space of the bar, and oh did I mention,  the jukebox is broken. I am hoping as time goes by I might be able to give it a remodel, put in some new lighting, clean the windows, and have it become more of a gastro-pub or a craft brewery. I want to have lots of fun happy thoughts who are enjoying fried pickles and freshly brewed IPAs. Or if it’s summertime, iced lattes with a nice charcuterie platter and a bottle of perfectly chilled Riesling or a fresh lemon shake-up. That is however too hard for me to contemplate right now. 

Currently, I have Scanxiety (anticipatory anxiety based on an upcoming medical scan) just hanging at the bar nursing a kombucha. She’d like to have a beer, but I’m the owner here and she doesn’t get to pick her drink. She can stay as long as she wants to, but I’m in charge of the menus so it’s kombucha and stale popcorn for her.

 

Tomorrow I am scheduling a CT scan which is routine and is the best current method of surveillance for me. I had a lot of treatment and am doing all I can to make sure my body is as healthy as it can be for decades to come; so I don’t want to potentially undo that work by not having the routine checkups because they stress me out. All that is to say that scanxiety may really start ramping up once I make the appointment tomorrow. That's why I decided to take the MBSR class in the first place, I knew I had to schedule a scan for late March and I wanted to try another non-medicinal tool to manage my fears. 

When I get a handle on my thoughts, The Worry Bar is going to have big soft pretzels and super zesty beer cheese.